Wow. Welcome back.
To be brutally honest, blogging became extremely overwhelming to me in the midst of coping with an extremely crazy, busy, stressful, scary pregnancy that i simply decided to walk away from it. My apologies. It was something i thought i would be able to keep up with and my heart told me otherwise.
This all seems like crazy deja fu to me. Once again I'm sitting at our local library where i used to write my entries during my pregnancy. Before, I sat here with my client, in the quiet, with thoughts that seemed to absolutely consume me. It seemed manageable.
It wasn't.
Today, I sit here with London, Nash..and you guessed it... Rauri. Three days before our one year anniversary of finding out that our destination was about to be changed, and we were taking off without a map. Spoiler alert; there has been turbulence. Lucky for us, we have had a great tour guide, and my co-pilot hasn't been so bad either.
Funny how those things happen.
I wish there was a way to realistically catch you all up on the last 6 months, other than telling you to go read my Facebook wall. That was a way for me to reach those that would want an update without being swallowed by the demands of keeping up with a blog but i promise that i will try to keep this rolling this time. I'm sure moms of multiple small children can attest to the copious amounts of free time available for things like eating bon bons and blogging. Yeah right.
Anyways, the beauty of this journey is simple to see with the naked eye. She is perfect, thriving, meeting milestones, she's been graced with one of the best little personalities and teaches us all new things daily. We have been absolutely loving being a family of five. Everybody seems to fit right in their place and i couldn't imagine my life being any other way. Cliche, but its true. Nash was born to be a big brother and London just rolls with the punches and makes sure we are all in order. We joke that they are both little mother hens.
I am often told by people that they appreciate that we share our journey so openly. The good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly, they say. Its raw. And what's a trip without a few potholes? Some rest stops? And a flat tire or two. IT HAPPENS. It happens a lot. I will never be one to publish that this trip is easy, but its so incredibly worth it. And there's a reason why we were given the tickets in the first place.
In my life, I've attended church, I've read the scripture, and i have struggled to believe that God does everything with intent. I have wondered why he puts some up against more odds than others, and i try to believe that there's a method to the madness that enters our daily lives. Now a'days I find reassurance in the verse John 15: 16 for it reads " I chose you. I wanted you. I appointed you. I set you where you are." There is a reason that the stars align when they do. In 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2015. We were chosen. And with his trust, i will do justice. I will try tirelessly. But as i shared the other day, my hope is that my children remember me for what i did and gave for them. I hope they remember the long days and nights that Charlie and I endure both together and apart to give them the life they deserve, and teach them to face obstacles with grace just as we try to and to never take the life they have for granted.
Though our journey continues to be a learning experience, i have gathered that when unfavorable things happen i need not let them define us and instead realize that how i react to them is what is going to make the greater difference in the long run. I can chose to be sad as we have recently discovered that Rauri may not hear as great as those around us or find faith in the fact that a hearing aid is a simple and available option to help her tackle what's next. Not to mention, I was told we can get them in hot pink and purple! Score!
Along with the typical hurdles of being a mom, I struggle. I struggle a lot. Anxiety and depression have been a big part of my life for more than fifteen years, but as just about anybody will know it will be amplified when given three incredible little beings that trust you to care for them 24/7 for basically forever. And then some, along with a man-child. But really. All jokes aside this has been by far one of the most challenging things to control after being given yet another more complex child. Today is no exception to the rule as I have battled a more emotional day than I am used to now. I have to remind myself to be gentle. Although at nearly six months old, and having had a pregnancy that seemed to take forever to cope - some wounds still seem very fresh some days. And instead of beating myself up, i will choose to accept it. I've unpacked my baggage of sorrows, self pity, and frustration and i will leave it all here when we go. I will shop when we reach our next destination..
"For she has fire in her soul, and grace in her heart."
I think this is enough rambling for now. I just felt the need to touch base and try to keep up with what i set out on a mission to do, with a little more hope that its reasonable to do now. That, and it's getting a little difficult with Rauri holding onto my pink as i try to type. ;)
Love you all. If you're still on the journey with us, we thank you. Enjoy the sights.
Lex, Char, London, Nash & Rauri.
